Senior Portraits - Carson Ellis Weatherford

Wanna know what makes me feel 30? Taking my baby brother’s High School senior pictures. Wanna know what makes my heart wanna burst with pride? Taking my baby brother’s High School senior pictures!

I was 12 when Carson was born and he was immediately my little baby. When we brought him home from the hospital I took him straight up to the nursery and locked the door. He was mine!! My grandmother tells me she almost had a heart attack ;) It's been a unique experience to actually remember my brother being born, him as a toddler, graduating kindergarten, and now preparing to graduate high school. 

Dad died when Carson was only 10 years old. A young man's path can be extremely altered by such a significant loss, but Carson's connection with Dad was so strong that his impact as a father for those short 10 years has remained a grounding contributor to Carson's growth. Our Dad kept a journal, which is priceless to us now that he is gone (I recommend every parent doing the same), and below are two excerpts I thought I would share:

Carson, we are so thankful you were born! You remind many people of our Dad, and I think we can all see why...

Back to the senior pictures: The session went how you would expect between a tired, hungry, “over-it” brother and an annoying, bossy, prodding seeeester. But it worked! Even though I couldn’t convince him to skip through the leaves and his shirt was wrinkled, we still got some great shots! Especially of his classic Carson hair flip. In the end, all he wanted was a good picture with his letterman jacket and his truck, so I think my client is happy.

I’m incredibly proud of him and excited to continue to watch him grown into the man he is meant to be!

Life Lately: my IVF journey thus far

{me and my wee-little embryo. spoiler alert: it didn't make it}

Just over 3 years ago, Paul and I experienced the amazing moment of a positive pregnancy test. It was our second month of trying to conceive, and our heart’s desire had quickly been filled with a new baby on the way! Roswelle Gray Lashway arrived 9 months later and I became a Mom. It was blissfully simple, other than my water breaking at 37 weeks at a restaurant in Ogunquit, Maine.  

All I have ever wanted to be was a mother - and thankfully I AM. I should pause here to say that our journey has been so much more bearable, blessed even, with Roswelle in our lives. She is our walking, laughing, growing little miracle. Right now I’m at a place where the longer it takes me to get pregnant, the more I appreciate my one-on-one time with my little angel.

Ever since I can remember, I have envisioned myself with a big family.  I always assumed I was going to be a fertile-Myrtle (see: my Mom and her 4 children). And after having Roswelle I saw no reason why my plan (and time-frame) wasn’t going to play out as I had dreamed. And then when “my plan” wasn’t falling into place, I was devastated. There is no other way to put it: I’ve struggled with a lot of self-judgment. It has been very difficult, and I’m still not there, but I’m trying to understand God’s plan for me while leaving my manufactured plan behind.

For the first 9 months of trying for a second baby I was incredibly private, you could even say secretive. Each month of no baby, the secret kept becoming more poisonous. I was trying everything: less running, then more running, no coffee, then as much coffee as my heart desired, acupuncture (which I loved), blackstrap molasses (for iron), gluten-free (still am), all the ovulation strips, all the wives-tales you can think of, and even a glass of champagne on ovulation day to help my body (and mind) relax. And yes, there were even months where I truly “didn’t think about it” and didn’t even really want to get pregnant, and alas I still didn’t get pregnant! But no matter what I tried, my anxiety fed off the secret, creating a tumultuous cycle. I was trying so hard to be zen from the inside out, to create a comfy space for a new baby, but the secret of unsuccessfully trying was consuming. My closest of friends, even family, were all kept in the dark. I was so scared that people would see me as flawed, a disappointment, infertile.

Then finally, after a lot of encouragement from Paul, I did it. I shared. I don’t even remember who the first person I told was, or how much I told them, but I do remember cautiously mentioning that IVF was something we were considering (Paul and I had already met with an endocrinologist in January to discuss our options). I’m sure it was awkward for both parties, no one can ever say the right thing the right way, and emotions were high on my part. But that first release felt so good. So good in fact that the leak of the secret turned into a flow of information. I started telling anyone and everyone. The more people I told, the lighter the burden. The judgements I had put on myself and my body started to crumble and I began to see myself in a new light.

Fast forward to July, Paul and I went through our first round of IVF. Because my uterus is smaller than normal (a unicornuate to be exact), twins are medically risky for me, leading us directly to IVF with single embryo transfers, skipping the less invasive options of clomid/IUI. We had a successful first cycle, with a seamless 5-day fresh transfer, which unfortunately, did not stick. I’m intentionally not including my egg retrieval results in this post. I have gone down the dark rabbit hole of searching for other women’s stats – egg count, fertilization, and embryo numbers. I compared myself to these women and their numbers when I knew NOTHING about their medical history, doctors, or lifestyle! My girlfriend finally told me to stop putting other people’s experiences into my own expectations.

I recently ear-marked the paragraph below from the book Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter. Once I stopped wallowing in what wasn’t happening for me, I finally remembered I actually AM what I was trying to be: fearfully and wonderfully made, a marvelous work.

“But aren’t all great quests folly? El Dorado and the Fountain of Youth and the search for intelligent life in the cosmos – we know what’s out there. It’s what isn’t that truly compels us. Technology may have shrunk the epic journey to a couple of short car rides and regional jet legs – four states and twelve hundred miles traversed in an afternoon – but true quests aren’t measured in time or distance anyways, so much as in hope. There are only two good outcomes for a quest like this, the hope of the serendipitous savant – sail for Asia and stumble on America – and the hope of scarecrows and tin men: that you find out you had the thing you sought all along.”

No matter what, this blog will continue to be about all things inspiring and I hope this post in itself inspires you to share. Whatever you are going through, try to let someone in. Bring it out of the darkness, into the light; it will lose its power over you. From my experience, being transparent has been an antidote to self-judgment.  I found that when I shared what we were going through, SO many others had experienced or were facing something similar. You are not alone in this, so try to resist alienating yourself. We are designed to thrive in a community: loving others and allowing others to love us.

We have had multiple delays, hurdles, and disappointments and I’m sure there will be more – because that’s life. But for now we are comfortable in our season of trust and patience. Paul says at least once a week “It’s not a matter of ‘if’ we are able to hold another baby, it is just a matter of ‘when and how’.” That may be more IVF cycles, it may be adoption, it may be a naturally conceived baby. I’m thankful for the hope that comes will all of those possibilities.

It’s hard for me to push “publish” on this, but it means too much to me not to share. Blog posts that are worthy of a real conversation are always hard to put out there for y’all to read, there will inevitably be things I unintentionally leave out. But thank you for listening while I listen to my heart that is nudging me to “share.”

HBD Madelyn Grace!!

Babies are just miracles.  This little life sent from Above, previously didn't exist, and now we couldn't exist without it.  Yesterday, I celebrated a miracle in the form of my cute-as-button-lil'-chicken-nugget, Madelyn Grace Lashway.  Congrats, Rob and Jenny, you survived the first year as new parents.  You three made it!! 

Jenny & Rob planned a beautiful, fun, polka-dot party, full of color and life, just like miss #maddielash!  I had fun capturing all the little details and some special moments from yesterday.  Hope you enjoy them,  too.

{miniature birthday donuts from Blackbird Donuts}

{flying away in her "hot-air ballon"!}

{the birthday shot}

{I have so many memories of my Dad picking at my birthday cake, makes me love this picture of Rob sneaking into Maddie's that much more}

{Roswelle, the 2month pro, showing her how to eat birthday cake}

{timber!}

{underneath the highchair debris}

{Happiest 1st Birthday, Madelyn Grace!, you super-stah you}

p.s. want me to take pictures of your event in Boston?? contact me: saralaurenw@gmail.com.  

I'm embarrassingly cheap. like buy me a coffee cheap ;)

Watching Him Soar

While I was home last week, I was able to go visit my oldest brother, Trey, at the Lanier Flight Center in Gainesville, GA.  This past Fall he passed the Flight Instructor Certification exam and it is now only a matter of time before he has enough hours to fly as a commercial pilot, his childhood dream.  It was Thursday, May 7^th 2015, when I flew with him for the first time, and it was also the anniversary of my Dad’s funeral; it’s been 6 years. 

The 5 of us (my mom, myself, and 3 brothers) have come so far and I couldn’t be prouder of my family.  After the sudden loss of my Dad, it was like someone picked up our lives, threw them in a box, shook it around and then threw the box down a mountain.  It was up to us to put everything back together.   It's been my personal experience that as a Christian family we leaned on our faith, we always maintained a True North and we continued to move forward as a family under a blanket of prayer. But that is not to say we haven’t lost direction along the way and had set backs. It takes years to get to a healthy place in a healthy way, and it's not over.

Trey was finishing his sophomore in college when my Dad passed.  Like all of us, his world was turned completely upside down.  He moved home from Middle Tennessee University shortly after to be home with my mom and make it to Carson’s practices and games.  That was what was important at the time.   He lost credits during the transfer but kept working towards an IT degree at North GA University.  He started dating Anna shortly thereafter and also started taking classes on the side to obtain a pilot license.  His path was unknown and different from the one before my Dad passed, but that doesn't mean it was the wrong path.  After 6 years he is exactly where he is supposed to be in his life.  He got his degree, is marrying the love of his life, and flies a plane for a living.  I couldn't be prouder or happier for him and I know my dad would feel the same!

This past weekend we also celebrated Evan who graduated from Auburn with an Accounting degree.  My mom celebrated mother’s day with her Yankee Son-in-law and grand-daughter who was born in York, ME of all places.  And Carson, at 16, is the tallest sibling and is pumped to be heading into his Junior year of high school with a new football coach.  None of us are where we thought we would be before Dad died but life is imperfectly perfect for each of us.  We miss him everyday but the loss of his daily influence doesn’t define us; his loving impact while we had him here just made us stronger after he was gone.

If you are in the midst of the fog of a loss, as some of my closest family members are, I hope you read this and know there is hope.

My mom's house is in the dead center!

{a smooth landing}

{i want to reach into this picture and give her neck kisses!}

{he loves her so much!}

{Roswelle is currently obsessed with puppies!!...the only thing she puts her bottle down for}

Spring Beginnings

For my southern family it was a Spring Break, but for Paul, Roswelle and me it was a Spring Beginning. Wasn't sure how to blog about our vacation on the picturesque beaches on Destin FL after the hardest winter of my life, no really, I feel like I say it every winter but this one really was the hardest. Paul was the first to spot a patch of snow when we got back yesterday...can't.even.  At least it's in the 60s now in Boston!

anywhoooo....it would be too long and too annoying (even as the one that went on the trip) to go on and on about everything we did and how absolutely perfect it was.  So I'm just going to post pictures from the week.  I hope you enjoy!

Roswelle Gray: Her 6th month of Life!

{my favorite recent photo of us}

Life has been busy lately and I can't believe it has been so long since I have done a 'Life with Roswelle Gray' update.  Before the passing of my uncle, I was actually in GA with my family for 10 days.  Paul went on a guys trip and was in NYC for work so it was a great week for Roswelle and me to head South.  

Roswelle will be 7 months on Monday, 10/21!!!!!  I can't believe I have a 7 month old!  Some highlights in Roswelle Gray's life: she is an AMAZING napper/sleeper - we just lay her down for her naps during the day (no rocking, shhh'ing, etc) and she sleeps 6:30pm-6:30am.  She is eating solid foods - her favorite foods are broccoli, oranges, and eggs.  She is still exclusively breast-feeding, we are doing the Baby Lead Weaning approach to introducing food, I'll plan to do a separate post on it - it has been a great experience for us. She can navigate all over the living room rug but no official crawling yet.  She LOVES attention...she will sit in her activity seat completely still until we look over at her and then she will start to bounce and smile and talk!  

*photo overload warning*

instead of writing out paragraphs of what we have been up to, I decided to show you through photos and captions!  

We got her all dressed up for church in Georgia! My mom jokes "the bigger the bow the closer to God" ;)

{Mia, Momma, and Baby!}

When I hang around my 16yr old brother with my baby on my hip, I'm acutely aware of how officially uncool I am. That's ok with me ;) guess I'll be what the young kiddos call 'basic'

Roswelle loves animals now!!!! She giggles when they lick her toes.  I think a trip to the zoo is in our future.

{some of my favorite moments at home are out on the back-porch swing}

{after 10 days they finally reunited}

{...}

{big, happy girl!}

{we meet Paul for lunch at least once a week - this day was his 36th bday!!}

{rare snuggles - she is usually on the move or asleep in her crib}

{discovering food!!!!}

{we were headed to a wedding - leaving the babies at home - my first full night away from her!!!}

{trying to act anything like parents on our big night out - kissy-face/peace-sign and all}

{little bit of a rough start on our Thursday morning}

{locked us out of the house with nothing but my sunglasses in hand. Used a diner gift card from across the street to get back in}

{still made it to meet dad for lunch - not how you should baby-feed :P}

{cheered on Auburn vs Miss. State - tough loss}

{Hung out with cousin Maddie!!!}

{went shopping like a big girl}

{took a long nap in Boston Garden during an unseasonably warm day yesterday}

phew, that's it.  I have just a few minutes before she wakes up from her morning nap.  be back soon!

The Canteen - our Friday nights

If you want to see Paul, me and Roswelle on a Friday night, I can tell you where we will be, The Canteen (thecanteenptown.com)!  In the past few weeks Canteen has become our Friday night spot - I love having a go-to for Friday nights.  On Friday, Roswelle and I drive to Truro during the day and Paul takes the 5:30pm fast ferry from downtown Boston to Provincetown, landing at the pier around 7:05.  We meet him at the pier and walk over to Canteen for dinner.  I usually order the special - this week it was a fried shrimp sandwich on grilled ciabatta bread.  We always order a hot lobster roll (such a classic) and Paul ordered the Cod Bahn-Mi sandwich.  

Below are some iphone pictures I snapped quickly last Friday night.  I'm already looking forward to it this Friday night.  It's a simple no-muss no-fuss spot with tasty, clean, and mostly healthy food.

{this picture is so summer-y to me - lobster roll, boat shoes and stripes}

{community style fixin's - including water with reusable plastic cups}

{a cute little spot on the walk to the back}

The backyard has additional community style seating...

...with a peaceful view.

Roswelle has started going to sleep around 8pm every night..so this is right during her bedtime - luckily I can swaddle her and stick a paci in her mouth anywhere we are.

{turned into low key family night ever Friday night}

{my fried shrimp sandwich - so simple but soooo good - toasted bread makes anything delish}

After....we walk to Ptown Scoop for ice-cream!

I should mention...Roswelle woke up in the ice-cream shop and officially lost it by the time we got to the car. We stayed out too late and she was letting us know. She cried the entire way home - even tho Paul sat in the back seat trying to console her.  We changed her, re-swaddled her, and she fell fast asleep.  It looks like our nights of her sleeping anywhere at any time are coming to an end - she really likes her night-time routine and likes to be put to bed for the night no later than 8:30 - I guess we will adjust ;) 

btw - I'll be posting a 4month update soon! 

Roswelle Gray: 3 months old!

It makes me sad that I don't get to blog as much these days...I don't want to only blog about my new baby but it is pretty much what my life consists of now.  We are ordering a new stove this week so that will be a fun house update post coming up.  Roswelle is becoming a little more independent where she will actually play on her activity mat for a good chunk of time so maybe I can do some fun things around the house soon and blog it up.

BUT back to R... she is 3 1/2 months already!  She is getting more and more animated and her eyes keep getting bluer...hopefully they will reach Paul's crystal blue.  

Below are some shots of what we have been up to lately...if you follow me on Instagram some of these will be repeats. (follow us - our handles are @saralaurenl and @paul_lash)

My mom bought us the BoB stroller and we loveeeee it (including R!) She will typically fall asleep in it - even while I run.  It has been a great motivator to get me running again.  It is so light and smooth.  I definitely recommend it for an active stroller.  

{having the best time!}

Walking down Longnook Beach two weekends ago.  Paul's mom bought a 10ft umbrella and 2 kid sized tents for the girls to lay in out of the sun.  Yesterday Roswelle took a 2hr nap on the beach.  

{Paul and I had a date night at a Zac Brown Band concert in Fenway}

{my "Maine-iac" in her Lobstah attire]

{she dipped her toes in the chilly pool and was pretty content}

{baby blues and pink lips}

{all smiles}

{July 4th with her cousin Madelyn who is 8wks younger than Roswelle}

{tub time at the cottage}

Above is my favorite picture to date.  This was at 7am and everyone was happy and calm. 

{I love this picture - her chin is out of control - in the best way}

I hope y'all had a fun and safe 4th of July!  I'll be posting about our new stove when it comes in.  Have a great week!

Flying with a Baby

{2 50lb bags+2 carryons+1 diaper bag+1 stroller+1 carseat+1 baby = omg}

Happy July!!!!  This summer is flying by but is proving to the best one yet.  

Traveling with an 8 week old...is hard work! Timing a grocery store trip with an 8 wk old is hard enough so the task of flying with Roswelle called for a lot of planning, team work, and luck! If Roswelle hadn't been 2 1/2 weeks early, we would have been flying with a 6 wk old because this trip was happening no matter what - yikes!  I can't imagine what traveling with multiple kids is like...seems like mayhem...we'll be there one day.  baby steps. literally ;)

When traveling with a baby you are allowed a stroller, a carseat, and a diaper bag free of charge.  We flew Jet Blue which meant we got one free checked bag each as well. We used uber to get an SUV taxi to the airport...with all of our luggage and our precious cargo...it was necessary.  Plus, her first cab ride was not going to be in a beat up yellow box...no thanks! 

{smooth ride for the happy baby}

We arrived 2 hours early for our flight which meant plenty of time to change her when needed, have a sit down breakfast, and pump! 

{coffee and a sleeping baby - two of my favorite things}

I proudly pumped in the woman's restroom...ya do what ya gotta do.  On my flight back I realized airports have family restrooms...it was perfect for pumping and changing Roswelle since I was traveling alone.

{we were both sleepy - it had been an early morning. Only Roswelle slept tho...I was too excited!

She was 8 wks so she was still sleeping through literally almost anything.

We used this airplane hammock for a little while...it made it nice to be hands free for a few minutes.  Bonus - it also doubles as a highchair when she is older! 

I flew back alone since Paul needed to return a few days before me for work.  I was definitely nervous for it...what if I had to go to the bathroom on the plane? Who would hold her? What if she blew out her diaper on the plane while we were descending and couldn't get up?  Where would I change her diaper on the plane?  There were a lot of things that could have made for an "interesting" trip but luckily all was smooth. 

I fed her a bottle of breastmilk during the take off and landing to make sure she cleared her ears from the change in air pressure.  She slept the majority of the plane ride - babies can't help but be lulled to sleep by the loud white noise.  She did fill her diaper during the landing but it wasn't a blowout...and she didn't freak out about not getting changed quickly.  

{she didn't want to leave}

{strollers are the best!! - can you spot her little hand?}

{I was already wiped out and still waiting to board}

I was able to fly alone with her successfully but it was exhausting.  You are on high alert the entire time.  My advice - fly as a family when possible! 

I'll be writing an update about her soon - can't believe she is over 3 months!  It's just getting better and better.  :)

Our week in Charleston

{Roswelle's first time on the beach!}

The last week of May, Paul and I flew to Charleston for my cousin's wedding.  Ashley was my made of honor and I was her matron of honor - cousins are the best and I'm so blessed to be so close with mine even though we live so far apart.  My mom rented a house on Isle of Palms for the week and we had THE BEST time.  We spent our time hanging with my family on the big screened in porch (with 10+ rocking chairs and a swing), going for walks on the beach (with the stroller), and just plain relaxing.  I got really used to always having someone around to hold Roswelle - it was kind of an adjustment when I got back to Boston!

{Our view and walkway to the beach from the back porch.}  

{impromptu family pic the last morning everyone was there}

{Four generations <3}

{bows and bows}

Roswelle did great on the beach.  I was a smidge psychotic about her being in the sun.  We aren't using sunscreen until next summer so I was sure to limit her time to 10 minutes and kept her covered in her stroller most of the time.  The great thing about the beach is there is almost always a nice breeze to keep her cool.

My mom's main desire that week was to rock Roswelle on the porch swing...they both loved it.

Roswelle got some quality time with her uncles... They are all naturals with her...in their own way. ;)

She also had plenty of quality time with her great-grandparents and her cousin Brinley who is 1 month older than her.  

While Roswelle was spending time with her extended family and me... Paul and Evan were non-stop on the beach.

Paul is a beach maniac.  He found this stump during the week and would lug it around based on the low & high tides to ensure it's safety! We started calling it "stumpy"...similar to Tom Hank's "Wilson" in Cast Away.  He went everywhere with "Stumpy!"

Paul and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary while we were there.  <3

Below are some of my favorite pics of Roswelle from that week.

Next up I'll be blogging on traveling with a baby!  It went surprisingly smooth for us.